1. Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated
with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to
use the bathroom.

2. Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, or screw, when
dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability – The probability of being watched is
directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you
never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi – If you tell the boss you were late for
work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you
will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law – If you change lines (or traffic lanes),
the one you were in will always move faster than the one you
are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath – When the body is fully immersed in
water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters – The probability of meeting
someone you know increases dramatically when you are with
someone you don’t want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that
a machine won’t work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics – The severity of the itch is
inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena – At any event, the
people whose seats are farthest from the aisle arrive last,
and they are the ones who will leave their seats several
times to go for food, drink, or the bathroom and who leave
early before the end of the performance or the game is over.
Those in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have
long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end
of the performance and beyond. The aisle people also are
very surly folk.

12. The Starbucks Law – As soon as you sit down to a cup of
hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something that will
last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy’s Law of Lockers – If there are only two people
in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces – The chances of an open-faced
jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are
directly correlated to the newness and cost of the
carpet/rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument – Anything is possible if you
don’t know what you are talking about.

16. Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance – If the clothes fit,
they’re ugly.

17. Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking – A closed mouth gathers
no feet.

18. Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy – As soon
as you find a product that you really like, they will stop
making it.

19. Doctors’ Law – If you don’t feel well and make an
appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there
you’ll feel better. Don’t make an appointment and you’ll
stay sick.

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“Mama, I got married.”
“Mazel Tov,” says Mama.

“I might as well tell you, Mama, he’s not of
our Faith.”
“So he’s a goy. But am I prejudiced?”

“But, Mama, he’s also black.”
“So he’s a schvartzeh. By me, everybody
should be tolerant.”

“Well, frankly, Mama, he’s also unemployed.”
“So, you’ll support him. A wife should help
her husband.”

“But, Mama, we have no place to live.”
“Don’t worry, Selma, dear. You’ll move in
with us.”

“But Mama, you have only one bedroom.”
“That’s okay. You and your husband can
have the bedroom.”

“Yes, Mama, but where will you and Papa
sleep?”
“Papa can sleep on the couch in the living
room.”

“Yes, Mama, but where will *you* sleep?”

“Selma, dear, about me you don’t need to
worry. The minute I get off the phone…
I’m going to drop dead.”

Technorati Tags: Funny Jokes, Joke, Joke of the day, Jokes, Jokes of the day

No one expects you to take a bath every day.

Your friends never expect you to pay for lunch, dinner, or anything else for that matter.

When it’s raining, you can lie around the house all day and never worry about being fired.

If it itches, you can reach it.

And, no matter what itches, no one is offended if you scratch it in
public.

You can wear a fur coat and no one thinks you’re insensitive.

If you grow hair in weird places, no one notices.

You never get in trouble for putting your head in a stranger’s lap

Having big feet is considered an asset.

If you gain weight, it’s someone else’s fault.

No one tells you to wipe your nose because it’s wet.

No matter where you live, you own the place.

Your mate never complains because you whine.

Puppy love can last.

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If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 . . . repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and we are tracing
this call. Please stay on the line.

If you are schizophrenic, please wait and a little voice
will tell you what to do.

If you are manic depressive it doesn’t matter what you do,
no one cares about you anyway.

TRY TO HAVE A GOOD DAY
(the doctor will see you soon)

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A koala is sitting up a gum tree … smoking a joint when a little lizard
walks past and looks up and says, “Hey Koala ! What are you doing?”

The koala says: “Smoking a joint, come up and have some.”

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have
a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’ and
is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned
that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

An alligator sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him
to the side, then asks the little lizard:

“What’s the matter with you?”

The little lizard explains to the alligator that he was sitting smoking a
joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the
river while taking a drink.

The alligator says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says “Hey you!”

So the koala looks down at him and says: “Dang, dude .. how much water did you drink?!!”

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One deacon said, “I hope the reverend didn’t see us or recognize my
truck.”

The other replied, “What difference does it make? God knows we’re in
here… and He’s the only one who counts.”

The first deacon countered, “Yeah, but God won’t tell my wife.”

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So, when the day came, dad took the boy to watch the puppies being
born. The boy stood wide-eyed and watched the birth of the
puppies, all five of them, but said very little.

Months later, on the day of his Mom’s delivery, the child went to
the hospital. Before visiting his mother, his dad took him to the
nursery to meet his new sister.

As he looked at the row of babies through the nursery window, his
eyes grew wide as he asked, “Are all of these ours?”

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Of course, the lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Jimmy and Susie Brown to have the dinner at their house, like most women, Susie wanted to outdo all the others and prepare a meal that was the best that any of them had ever lapped a lip over.

A few days before the big event, Susie got out her cookbook and decided to have mushroom smothered steak. When she went to the
store to buy some mushrooms, she found the price for a small can
was more than she wanted to pay. She then told her husband, “We
aren’t going to have mushrooms, because they are too expensive.”

He said, “Why don’t you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty of them right in the creek bed.”

She said, “No, I don’t want to do that, because I have heard that wild mushrooms are poison.”

He then said, “I don’t think so. I see the varmints eating them all the time and it never has affected them.”

After thinking about this, Susie decided to give this a try and got in the pickup and went down in the pasture and picked some.

She brought the wild mushrooms back home and washed them, sliced and diced them to get them ready to go over her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and got Ol’ Spot’s (the yard dog) bowl and gave him a double handful. She even put some bacon grease on them to make them tasty.

Ol’ Spot didn’t slow down until he had eaten every bite. All morning long, Susie watched him and the wild mushrooms didn’t seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Susie even hired a lady from town to come out and help her serve. She had on a white apron and a little cap on her head. It was first class.

After everyone had finished, they all began to kick back and relax and socialize. The men were visiting and the women started to gossip a bit.

About this time, the lady from town came in from the kitchen and whispered in Susie’s ear. She said, “Mrs. Brown, Spot just died.”

With this news, Susie went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, “It’s bad, but I think we can take care of it.
I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as I can
get there. We will pump out everyone’s stomach and everything will
be fine. Just keep them all there and keep them calm.”

It wasn’t long until they could hear the wail of the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.

When they got there, the EMTs got out with their suitcases and a stomach pump and the doctor arrived shortly thereafter. One by one, they took each person into the master bedroom and pumped out their stomach.

After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, “I think everything will be fine now, and he left.”

They were all looking pretty peaked sitting around the living room, and about this time, the town lady came in and said, “You know, that fellow that ran over Ol’ Spot never even stopped.”

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2. Don’t try to live with anyone who insists on alphabetizing your
spice rack.
3. When someone tells you that what he’s about to say is “for your own good,” expect the worst.
4. Do not make an obscene gesture at anyone driving a pickup truck with a gun rack.
5. If you are lavishly praised, enjoy the taste but don’t swallow it
whole.
6. When a politician says, “Let me make something perfectly clear…” remember that he usually won’t.
7. After a certain age, if you say something outrageous, everyone will think it’s cute. Take advantage of this.
8. Don’t sweat your every mistake or faux pas. They make up for all of the things you got away with that nobody knows about.
9. Don’t wait for the funeral to say something kind or nice about
someone.
10. Your children may leave home, but their stuff will be in your
attic and basement forever.
11. If you wouldn’t want to see it in a newspaper or on the evening news, don’t do it.
12. If someone says, “I know what I mean, but I just can’t put it into words,” he doesn’t know what he means.
13. Don’t let a child with the stomach flu sleep on the top bunk.
14. If a man has to hire a public relations firm to shape his image, he doesn’t know who he is, and more important, he doesn’t want you to find out.
15. The only receipt you don’t save is the only one you’ll need later.
16. If you humiliate yourself, be consoled with the thought that you probably made someone else’s day…maybe even their week. Think of your humiliation as an act of charity.
17. Avoid marrying anyone who deliberately flushes the toilet when
you’re taking a shower.
18. The value of a cat is its utter indifference to its owner’s
importance.
19. Never purchase a tool to clean behind radiators, because you won’t have an excuse not to clean there.
20. Don’t waste time trying to be your own best friend; you can’t pat yourself on the back, and it’s unsatisfying to cry on your own shoulder. Find a real friend instead.
21. Think like a good actor: Observe, observe, observe.
22. It’s a proven fact that zipping up a small child’s snowsuit will
cause her to wet her pants. There is no known cure for this.
23. The value of a dog is its constant reminder of how much fun it is to be idiotic.
24. Two people cannot successfully operate a TV remote control in the same room at the same time.
25. If you want to hid candy bars so you can eat them after the kids are in bed, put the candy in the freezer in a paper bag labeled
“Fish.”
26. And know when to leave the stage, Like right now.

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“They’re waiting for their husbands to come home from work.” the mother answered.

“C’mon lady, they’re hookers!” retorted the cab driver.

After a stunned silence, the daughter asked, “Mommy, do hookers have children?”

“Of course,” the mother replied, “where do you think cabbies come from?”

Technorati Tags: Funny Jokes, Joke of the day, Jokes, Jokes of the day