Rose and Barb

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.

One day Barb said, ‘Rose, we both loved playing women’s softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s women’s softball there.’

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, ‘Barb, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.’

Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

A few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, ‘Barb, Barb.’

‘Who is it?’, asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. ‘Who is it?’

‘Barb — it’s me, Rose.’

‘You’re not Rose. Rose just died.’

‘I’m telling you, it’s me, Rose,’ insisted the voice.

‘Rose! Where are you?’

‘In Heaven,’ replied Rose. ‘I have some really good news and a little bad news.’

‘Tell me the good news first,’ said Barb.

‘The good news,’ Rose said, ‘is that there’s softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too.. Better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.’

‘That’s fantastic,’ said Barb. ‘It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?’

‘You’re pitching Tuesday.’

Technorati Tags: Bad News, funny, Good News, Good News Bad News, Jokes, news

1. Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated
with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to
use the bathroom.

2. Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, or screw, when
dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability – The probability of being watched is
directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you
never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi – If you tell the boss you were late for
work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you
will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law – If you change lines (or traffic lanes),
the one you were in will always move faster than the one you
are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath – When the body is fully immersed in
water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters – The probability of meeting
someone you know increases dramatically when you are with
someone you don’t want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that
a machine won’t work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics – The severity of the itch is
inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena – At any event, the
people whose seats are farthest from the aisle arrive last,
and they are the ones who will leave their seats several
times to go for food, drink, or the bathroom and who leave
early before the end of the performance or the game is over.
Those in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have
long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end
of the performance and beyond. The aisle people also are
very surly folk.

12. The Starbucks Law – As soon as you sit down to a cup of
hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something that will
last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy’s Law of Lockers – If there are only two people
in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces – The chances of an open-faced
jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are
directly correlated to the newness and cost of the
carpet/rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument – Anything is possible if you
don’t know what you are talking about.

16. Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance – If the clothes fit,
they’re ugly.

17. Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking – A closed mouth gathers
no feet.

18. Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy – As soon
as you find a product that you really like, they will stop
making it.

19. Doctors’ Law – If you don’t feel well and make an
appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there
you’ll feel better. Don’t make an appointment and you’ll
stay sick.

Technorati Tags: comedy, funny, Jokes, Laws, Rules

1000 Years of German Humor

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Italian War Heroes

Who’s Who in Puerto Rico

Americans’ Guide to Etiquette

Royal Family’s Guide to Good Marriages

Safe Places to Travel in the USA

Jerry Garcia’s Guide to Beating Drug Addiction

Contraception by Pope John Paul II

Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors

Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu

Gun Control for the New Millennium: NRA Handbook

Technorati Tags: comedy, funny, humor, Jokes

Back when my wife and I  first started dating, I called my mother and announced excitedly that I had just met the woman of my dreams, and asked her help in what I should do now. She had an idea and suggested, “Why don’t you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?”

I remember thinking at the time, that this was one hell of an idea and great strategy in getting her into my pad and hopefully, heh heh, maybe more?

Wonders never cease, and a week later, my soon-to-be wife came to dinner.
My mom called the next day to see how things had gone.

“I was totally humiliated,” I complained. “She insisted on washing the dishes.”

“What was wrong with that?” my mom commented, encouragingly.

“We hadn’t started eating yet,” I said

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Bush to troops in Iraq:
‘I’ll be home for Christmas. You’ll be over seas.’

Christmas would be nicer if the elves assembled ALL the toys!

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Technorati Tags: Christmas, Christmas Humor, Christmas Humour, Christmas Joke, Christmas Jokes, comedy, Entertainment, Famous, famous jokes, funny, Funny Joke, Funny Jokes, Holiday Humor, Holiday Jokes, Joke of the day, marriage joke, marriage jokes

‘Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house,
Things were real mellow…
Even Irving, the Mouse.

Our boots were hung up,
The incense was lit,
In hope that St. Nick
Would soon do his bit.

The tree was decked out;
It was really a sight,
With love beads and flowers
And a flashing strobe light.

Wearing my T-shirt
From Woodstock Nation,
I was getting into some good meditation.

And my chick was doing some yoga in bed,
munching a fruit cake,
While propped on her head.

Then…pow!!…in the night…
…a hullabaloo!
It shook the waterbed
And woke up old Blue.

I stumbled around
And tripped on my beard.
It stuck to my toes
And felt really weird.

When I got to the window,
I was really uptight,
’cause the scene I perceived
Was a mind blowing sight!

What through my shades
Did I see through the snow,
But eight tiny mooses
And a wild U.F.O.!

With this hip dude inside,
Looking kinky and groovy…
I flashed…”If this ain’t Nick
It must be the late movie.”

They blew in from the cosmos
Like some far-out caboose
And this fat cat kept yelling
At each midget moose:

“Right on, Dasher! On, Dancer!
GET IT ON…DO YOUR THING.
Get your bods in high gear, now,
And move this machine!”

Then onto the roof
They flew with a shout,
The whole Cosmic Crew
Really freaked me out!

They caused such a hassle
And made such a fuss,
I thought someone would call
The fuzz down on us.

But before I could say, “COOL IT!…
HOLD DOWN THAT LOUD JIVE,”
Nick zapped toward the chimney
And leaped in with a dive!

As he trucked from the fireplace,
His smile all agleam,
I thought, “ITS UNREAL!
It must be a dream!”

Then he nodded and said,
“This isn’t a bummer…
Like, I’ve come in peace,
To groove my Yule Number.”

His duds were all fur,
Trimmed in leather and such
And he came on stone funky…
…he was really too much.

His back pack was painted
With black light festoon,
Full of albums and posters
And a neon balloon.

His eyes, a light show!
His beard, da-glo bright!
A plastic, fantastic,
Kaleidoscope sight!

He looked like a guru,
This beautiful cat…
…I thought, like, wow!
…This dude knows where its at!

“Don’t want to sound heavy,”
He said with a grin,
“My message is simple
So dig it, tune in.”

“I brought you some goodies,
But that’s not the thing.
My real trip is bringing
Good vibes to this scene.”

So we rapped until dawn
About Peace, Love and Truth,
Then he said, “Gotta split, now,
Or I’ll be late in Duluth.”

He wiggled his nose and said,
“I did my bit”
And straight up the smoke hole
This fat cat did split!

As he sped from the roof
And into the air,
He shouted, “Let’s get it together,
All you people down there!”

“Merry Christmas To All
And to all a Good Night!”
And then in a flash,
He streaked outta sight!

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