Smart New Rules Joke
June 17, 2009 · Published By Admin
Smart New Rules
New Rule
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There’s a reason
you don’t talk to people for 25 years. Because you don’t
particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain
of the football team is doing these days mowing my lawn.
New Rule
Don’t eat anything that’s served to you out a window unless you’re
a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
found in a bowl of Wendy’s chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar.
What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a
finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep
it alive.
New Rule
Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde
teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for
these kids, “Lucky Bastards”!
New Rule
If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you’re
gay. If you’re a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If
you’re a grown man, they’re pictures of men.
New Rule
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here’s how much men care about
your eyebrows do you have two of them? Okay, we’re done.
New Rule
There’s no such thing as flavored water. There’s a whole aisle of
this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste.
Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored
water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That’s your
flavored water.
New Rule
Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned
pill bottle that’s square, with a bigger label. And the top is
now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open
it, his a** will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you
just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a**hole.
If you walk into a Starbucks and order a “decaf grande half-soy,
half-lowfat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino,
extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n’-Low and one NutraSweet,”
ooh, you’re a huge a**hole.
New Rule
I’m not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card,
entering my PIN number, pressing “Enter,” verifying the amount,
deciding, no, I don’t want cash back, and pressing “Enter” again,
the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there
eating my Almond Joy. Paper, plastic?! I don’t have time for that.
New Rule
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn’t make
you spiritual. It’s right above the crack of your ass. And it
translates to “beef with broccoli”, anyway. The last time you did
anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren’t pregnant.
You’re not spiritual. You’re just high.
New Rule
I don’t need a bigger mega M & Ms. If I’m extra hungry for M & Ms,
I think I can eat two.
New Rule
If you’re going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old
television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex
a remote so we can see what’s playing on the other screens. Let’s
remember the reason something was a television show in the first
place is the idea wasn’t good enough to be a movie.
New Rule
No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings.
Now it’s for babies and new homes and graduations from drug rehab.
Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for
you isn’t gift giving, it’s the white people version of looting.
New Rule (and this one is long overdue)
No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering
me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I
can’t even tell if he’s supposed to be there, or just some freak
with a fetish. I don’t want to be on your webcam, dude. I just
want to wash my hands.
New Rule
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to know in months.
“27 Months.” “He’s two,” will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And
I didn’t care in the first place.
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