Funny No Respect Jokes Part Two

“I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette!”

“A travel agent offered me a 21 day special. He told me I would fly
from New York to London. Then from Tokyo back to New York. I asked
him…how am I supposed to get from London to Tokyo? He told me . . .
that is why we give you 21 days.

“Another travel agent told me I could spend 7 nights in Hawaii…No
days..just nights.”

“My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no
good.”

“My wife isn’t very bright. The other day she was at the store and
just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said…did you
see the guy that did it? She said … No, but I got the license plate.”

“A girl phoned me and said…Come on over there’s nobody home. I went
over… Nobody was home!”

“I went to a massage parlor. It was self service

“I remember the time I was kidnaped and they sent back a piece of my
finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.”

“My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in
the electric chair.”

“I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.”

“Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me
find my parents. I said to him…Do you think we’ll ever find them.? He
said..I don’t know kid.. there are so many places they can hide.”

“I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on
the tenth floor… so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said.. On
your mark…”

“On Halloween..the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last
year.. one kid tried to rip my face off! Now it’s different.. when I
answer the door the kids hand me candy.”

“I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I
woke up and a blind man was reading my face.”

“My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday

“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great Uncle
fought for the west!”

“My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him
stealing pens.”

“When I was born..the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to
my father…I’m very sorry. We did everything we could…but he pulled
through.”

“My mother had morning sickness after I was born.”

“When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.”

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster
and a radio.”

“What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!”

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