Critical Parents Don't Share in Adult Child's Happiness

Dear Amy,

I am 20 years old and have been married for one year. My husband and I are now expecting our first baby. We just moved into a house that we couldn't like more, and are doing lots of updates to make it cozy and family-friendly.

The problem is with my parents. I have always had a great relationship with my parents. They are both very educated (both have Ph.D.s), and have always encouraged me to go to college, which to them also includes grad school. I was always a good student, and because of my superior academic performance throughout school, the expectations for my future were always quite high.

My husband has a good job in a hospital, making more than enough to support us, and I am still a full-time university student, with no plans to slow down. However, this isn't enough for them. They don't like the university I chose (a state school), because they think I should have gone somewhere more prestigious. They don't like that I got married young, because they wanted me to have a career that sounded impressive and powerful, rather than a supportive and loving husband or any children.

When we told my parents that we were expecting, I was so full of joy at this news, but they did not share my happiness. Instead, they badgered me for months to get an abortion, and now they just ignore the fact that I am pregnant completely. This hurt me more than they could imagine. I have tried to talk to my mom about this, but she won't hear of it. My dad just says that if I had wanted to get married so badly, I should have married a high school boyfriend who is in law school now, rather than my husband, who did go to college (but just has an associate degree).

They hate my new house. We told them it will just be for the next 5 or 6 years, until I get going in my career (I want to be an interior designer), but they just keep raining on my parade, telling me they didn't raise me to have ten children on my knee and drop out of school. I am not even a drop-out! I have been on the Dean's List every semester since I started college! Everything about us is an opportunity for criticism. They don't like our dog, and always threaten to take her to the pound, as if I was still a child under their roof! My mother rearranges our furniture when I am out of the room. My dad saw me feeding a stray cat on our doorstep, and threatened that I would be "in big trouble" if he saw me doing that again!

Rather than just disagreeing with me on something, they yell at us that we "have" to change it "or else!" Amy, I am having such trouble with them. I love my parents very much, but this behavior has been spiraling more and more out of control since I went to the "wrong" school and married the "wrong" person. They don't even believe that my husband makes good money, and whenever we buy anything or go out to dinner, they tell me (in front of my husband) that we don't have enough money or we are too poor to spend anything. They show us both disrespect, and I am tired of it. They stop by whenever they want, and spend the time berating us. If my father thinks something needs to be done on my house, an errand needs to be run, or anything, he says "it better be taken care of by the time I come over here next."

Amy, what should I do? I want my parents in my life and in my child's life, but this behavior hurts and angers me. What if they make my daughter or son feel second-best? Any advice would help!

Dear Reader:

You have no more important obligation now than staying healthy and happy through this pregnancy and giving your child the best environment your husband and you can. This does not include the behavior you are describing about your parents.

You need to set boundaries with your parents right now. Tell them that you love them and want them to be part of your life, but only if they can respect the decisions you have made and support the family you are creating. Remind them that they should trust the job they did in raising you and that you are an adult who needs their respect and guidance rather than discipline and condescension. If you are uncomfortable having this discussion personally, try writing it out and see if that approach works better for you.

Be firm in your stance and be consistent with your reactions. You can still be honoring of your parents while explaining to them that what your own expectations are. Hopefully this will go far to earning their respect and helping them see you in a new light. If not, at least your husband and child can be secure in knowing that the happiness of your new family is your number one priority.

Amy