Critical Father

Dear Amy: Recently, my mother passed away and ever since then my father has been overly critical of everything I do. This is not a new phenomenon, but rather this is something that has been happening ever since I was fourteen. I was a good student in school, rarely gave anyone a problem, and silently put up with disrespect and hurtful comments from other family members all the while seething underneath.

It seems as if my father enjoys being a bully. He was also like this with my mom quite a bit, especially when she was going through her illness. Then, as well as now, I thought and still think he enjoys being a jerk. There are times when we (my mom, my dad and I) would go out in public, and he would be even a bigger pain in the @$$ not just with us, but even with strangers to the point that they would just look at him and not comment because they did nor did my mom and myself, would want the situation to get out of hand (physical altercations, etc.) 

My my dad made a big issue about my appearance recently because every now and then, when not in professional clothes, I like to wear sweats and comfortable blouses to work. I just listened to him rant and rave for about a half-hour and did not respond because I have learned over the years not to say anything in anger because it can be extremely damaging to the recipient and to the one dispensing it. Once things are said, they can never be taken back. 

Although I am old enough to have my own place, I am living with my dad primarily because he is retired and I know that if I were to move out, he would not have enough money to pay the rent and other household bills. Also, I am staying with him because he used to be an alcoholic and I am afraid that if I move out, he would start drinking again to cope with my mom’s death. It is times like these that make me wish that my mother was still alive and that I recall her advice anytime that I am feeling sad and depressed like I am right now. I try to maintain the peace in our home by just keeping to myself and staying cooped up in my room because I just do not want to be bothered with no more negativity from my dad.

Two years ago, we had a falling out because I just could not take the constant criticism and had to just say what was on my mind. Although I know and am sorry for hurting his feelings, I am not sorry for saying what I said, which needed to be said in the first place. Every since that time, he started to give me my space and let up on the criticism. Now that things have changed with my mom being gone, it seems that he is up to his old tricks once again with all this nagging, which is really more than annoying me.

Dear Reader:  You are in a difficult situation. You do not want to abandon your father, however, you are losing your life by taking care of him. The first rule in life: Do not allow anyone’s irresponsible choices or your fear that if you do not rescue them you will regret it if ‘something happens,’ to run your life.  You need and deserve to live your life on your terms.

Ironically, you believe you can protect your father from himself if you live with him. That is foolhardy, because, he drank alcohol irresponsibly before and you and your mother were living with him. If someone chooses to drink irresponsibly, they will no matter what.

I recommend you attend Al-Anon/Alateen meetings.  http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/english.html  For over 50 years, Al-Anon (which includes Alateen for younger members) has offered hope and help to families and friends of alcoholics. It is believed that each alcoholic affects the lives of at least four other people.  No matter what relationship you have with an alcoholic, whether they are still drinking or not, all who have been affected by someone else’s drinking can find solutions that lead to serenity in the Al-Anon/Alateen fellowship.

Only you can take care of you. If you continue to ‘rescue’ your father from himself, your life will deteriorate more and more and his life will remain the same or get worse. In which case, what have you accomplished?  Nothing for your father and nothing for yourself. 

Please get the support you need to extricate yourself from this emotionally abusive and demoralizing situation. I wish you well.  Write again, if I can be of further help.

Amy
Ask Amy Anything: askamy@evliving.com.

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