Friendly Affection Misunderstood

Dear Amy: I am a single businessman and host an annual get-together at my home for networking between business associates, both single and married. I greeted all of my guests at this year’s event with a warm hello and affectionate hug as they arrived at my home and was attentive throughout the evening, even though the event was also catered.

An awkward situation arose as I socialized among my guests.  My business partner was facing me as I joined him, his wife and a group of other men, engaged in animated conversation. I am quite tall and as I approached the group from behind my partner’s wife, I leaned my bent elbow onto her shoulder as I rested my chin on my fist that was extending upward, poised to casually join in on the conversation. At about the same time, my partner turned briefly to accept his food and drink from catering staff. As he turned back around, his wife then wrapped both of her arms around my waist and kept her arms around me as conversation ensued. I am sure we looked like lovers even though most in attendance knew she was my partner’s wife. I didn’t want to be rude and shake her loose, but at the same time, there were also potential clients present that might have misunderstood the extended hug. As my partner looked back in our direction, I detected a trace look of hurt or uncertainty in his eyes as we got eye contact, he then smiled awkwardly and casually directed his conversation toward someone else, as if not to notice.

Work and conversation with my business partner in the last few weeks has been noticeably strained since that event. It is too coincidental for me not to think that “the hug” cooled our relationship. The hug was too long and totally inappropriate on his wife’s part.  In hindsight, as a single man, I should not have been free to rest my hands on my partner’s wife, no matter how well I knew her.  I also could have easily broken the embrace by casually moving myself toward someone else in the group and no one would have been the wiser, including my business partner or his wife.  Perhaps my original action was interpreted as affection and I subconsciously encouraged some form of return affection.

This situation may not be on my side of the line, perhaps it should be between my business partner and his wife, but I can’t but help feel partially responsible. This is not only my business partner, but my closest friend of many years.  I feel that I should try to broach this subject with my partner and let him know that I have no ulterior motives toward his wife and that I did not intend to cross the line.  If you were in this awkward situation, would you let this die and hope that we all get past it, or nose in try to provide assurances?

Dear Reader: This is an unfortunate comedy of missteps on both yours and your partner’s wife’s part. You need to have a ‘clear the air’ talk with your partner soon. Leaving it under the rug could prompt mold to grow. You need to clearly and concisely acknowledge that you had a lapse in decorum when you rested your elbow on his wife’s shoulder. Affirm that you had no ulterior intentions. You need to acknowledge that you allowed her ‘friendly’ hug to extend too long and that too was a lapse in decorum with no ulterior intentions. Maintain good eye contact with him when you speak without staring or glaring. Apologize and ask for his understanding. For example: “[Use his name], I sincerely apologize for my behavior and I fully regret my lapse in decorum. I ask for your understanding and I trust we can go forward with no ill feelings.” If he says, he isn’t ready to understand your lapse, reassure him you understand the difficulty in that regard. Ask him what he needs from you to be able to put it to rest.  Remember to fully forgive yourself for your transgression.

Amy