Internet Porn Discovered on Computer

Dear Amy: I went to my compter to listen to music and found many porn videos on it, then found the rest later on today and I was very upset. I felt like my husband was cheating on me and I was so sad to see that while I was at work or asleep my husband was looking at this crap. I am basically asking for advise and someone to talk to that will understand what I am going through.

I told my husband how bad it hurt me and he promised to never do it again but he has said that to me before. I told him if he wanted to spice up his sex life I was willing to be a little more open to new things but i wanted him to be with me not the internet.

I was unfaithful before and regreted it immensly but he was also unfaithful before we got married so we have both made our mistakes . Now I am dealing with this! It has been a really long day and i was hoping for some help.

Dear Reader: Please accept my heartfelt empathy for you in this upsetting experience. Discovering that one’s partner is using porn is very difficult to fathom or come to grips with.

Your husband is having an affair (a.k.a. cheating) That is the first issue you need to accept. He is having an affair, albeit not in the flesh. He is engaging emotionally and sexually with someone other than his partner and that is the clear definition of an affair. Of course, he will deny that looking at porn is having an affair. His definition of his behavior does not count because that is his rationalization to do it–(i.e. that he is not having an affair). Every person who has an affair via using porn denies their behavior is an affair.

While you might be getting hit with karma, that does not excuse his behavior. Nor does it make you equally guilty or responsible for him using porn. While both of you were unfaithful before you were married, apparently, you both agreed to forgive each other and never be unfaithful again, and move on with your relationship. You have kept your agreement, he has not. Therein lies the reason that you need to hold his feet to the fire. It is unacceptable for him to bring up your unfaithfulness as his excuse for being unfaithful now. Do not buy into such a lame excuse.

You need to tell him that either he engages in a recovery program or the relationship is over. NO If’s, And’s or But’s. No this is NOT a discussion. This is you drawing a line in the sand. You need to be strong, firm and unwavering. He can twist things around six ways to Sunday, because that is what he does in order to convince himself that using porn is harmless. The jig is up. He needs to step up to the plate and acknowledge using porn is unacceptable.

You need to set a deadline. He needs to be in a program for sexual abuse recovery within two weeks–three at the most. I do not recommend a sex addiction program. I recommend a sexual abuse recovery program only. Sierra Tucson http://www.sierratucson.com/ is a good facility for pornography and other sexual issues. If he does not get into a program within three weeks, you need to leave or send him packing, whichever is appropriate. No, If’s, And’s or But’s.

If you do not set a deadline and do not keep the deadline, he will view your statements as just you ragging on him, and go on about his business using pornography more sneakily. More importantly, if you do not set a deadline and/or do not keep it you are colluding with him and are then part of the problem–i.e. you are willing to put up with his evasions, excuses, denial, projecting (you cheated too), fault finding and blame fixing.

I know this is difficult, but unless you confront him and mean business, he will continue doing what he is doing, because he can keep you and have his cake too and he will, unless you step up and protect your self-respect.

If I can be of further help, contact me again.

I wish you well.

Amy

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