Visits from Parents are Stressful

Dear Amy: When my parents come from another state to visit, it is a very stressful time for me. They are not particularly good house guests, and although I try to “let it roll” I find myself overly stressed and wishing the visit would end. 

It is not relaxing for me, and I’ve thought that things might be better if they could stay at a hotel when they come.  This way, although we could visit and enjoy each other’s company, there is some “away time” as well.    My mother thinks this is unheard of and I’m a horrible daughter for thinking of such a thing.  She says that none of her friends have ever heard of parents staying in a hotel when they visit their children.   

This feels right to me, but I don’t want to make matters worse with my parents.   Your thoughts?

Dear Reader:  You brought up a touchy topic for many people. The majority of us have parents in our late fifties and some are in our sixties.  So, there are many visits to contend with. My hunch is that your relationship with your parents is strained and having them visit for several days adds to your stained issues with them.  Be that as it may, these issues will probably remain, unless they were to be willing to have counseling.  It is rare that parents are willing to seek counseling with their adult children.

As the hostess you have the right to set the rules and enforce them. And your rule is that you prefer your parents stay in a hotel nearby.  While this may not be heard of with your family and friends, it is a common choice by many people.  Frequently, it is the visiting parent(s) who prefer to stay in a hotel.

They have a lot to gain by staying in a hotel. They can keep their own sleep schedule. If there are small children, they avoid being awakened at odd times or having to deal with children the entire time.

Tell your parents that while you love them dearly, you feel more at ease when you can manage your routine without needing to accommodate every minute of their routine. If they are upset, it can’t be helped. You can show them as much love and attention as you would if they were in your home, maybe more, because you will be less stressed.

After you tell them, if they lay on the guilt trip, resist feeling guilty or apologetic.  If they decide not to visit, resist feeling guilty or apologetic. Continue to be as loving and caring as you have in the past.  They may soon realize they can not control you, and because they want to see you, they will come and respect your wishes to stay in a hotel.

I wish you well.  

Amy