Amorous Feelings for Married Man

Dear Amy: I’m sure you have heard this a thousand times over, but I am in love with a married man.  I have not shared my feelings with Mr. M., although I believe deep down inside that he feels the same about me.

He is an elder at my church who helps the congregation with fundraising events.  We have served on several committees together over the years and since I don’t drive anymore, he goes out of his way to pick me up to take me to these functions.  He’s the ultimate gentleman in all respects, he opens doors for me, he takes my arm and guides me when we walk together.  He has a loveable sense of humor and he teases me with a wink and makes me laugh.  We spend more time together at church events than he does with his wife, who doesn’t attend church at all.

This emotional relationship has been going on for years.  In recent months, I have found myself sharing my personal life with him on the long drives home.  He is so loving, he reaches for my hand to squeeze when I share my life with him.  He makes my heart flutter like a young schoolgirl and we have stared longingly into one another’s eyes when it is time to part.  I know he doesn’t want to leave me, although he has never said as much, nor has he made an inappropriate move towards me in any way. But Amy, I can tell you this, I have been widowed for 14 years now and have been in enough relationships since then to know I am not misreading him.  I am an attractive woman and he is every bit as handsome.  I know if he tried to kiss me goodnight, like I believe he wants, I would simply melt into his strong loving arms.

I’ve tried to stifle my feelings in the past and know an affair would be wrong.  I so long to be in his arms, but he’s married and I am going out of my mind because in the eyes of God, he is unavailable.

At my age, I know this is not just a fickle crush, simple physical attraction for a man.  This is deep, abiding love for a decent man who is like no other.  There are few single men within miles of our church and I long for close, loving companionship and I long for him.  I find myself needing to tell him my feelings as my heart has been so unsettled.  I know what I feel and I have been acting proper for as long as I can possibly stand.  I want more and I want to tell him so.

Tell me, is my thinking about the potential for a relationship with him really all that grandiose?  Do you think I am just a lonely old widow woman with nothing better to do with my feelings? Do you believe that true love can happen between an old married man and a single woman and have the potential to work out if certain things changed on his side?

Dear Reader: From your description you are merely fantasizing about Mr. M and fantasized that he feels the same about you, as you do not know him as a unique individual. Reaching to squeeze your hand or looking into your eyes as if he does not want to part is your interpretation.  What if he is merely concerned that you are lonely and he wants to reach out to you as a close friend?

Fantasizing is wonderful and delicious, because you can create any scenario you desire; the breathtaking kisses, delicious sex, perfect moments with his strong arms around you, etc.  No one says to themselves one day, I am in love with Mr. M, without a myriad of thoughts (fantasies) preceding it. You no doubt have seen this scenario played out in the movies, heard about them in social circles or read about them in romance novels.

The facts are: He is married. You do not state whether he has children. You state you think he feels the same as you. What are those feelings? Feelings about the fantasy you have created, or is he creating a wonderful and delicious fantasy for himself too. We can have feelings for the opposite sex without acting on them. We can fantasize about the opposite sex without acting on it.

You stated, “I’ve tried to stifle my feelings in the past and know an affair would be wrong.” You can not have feelings without having a thought (in this case fantasy) first.  If you stop the fantasy, the feelings will stop too. Feelings follow thoughts.  Your thoughts are inappropriate in this scenario. Change your thoughts you change your feelings and thus you change the outcome.  Since you know having an affair is wrong, you can follow your own advise and stop the fantasy.  Thoughts do not filter down from the sky.  We create them in our head. You are creating a fantasy about Mr. M and it is time to create a life for yourself not a fantasy.

“At my age, I know this is not just a fickle crush, simple physical attraction for a man.” A fickle crush is the same as a fantasy, which is what you are creating.

There are a plethora of activities and groups you can join to meet single men at any age. Look on this website to find such activities and go for it.  Today is the first day of the rest of your life.  Have fun! Not fantasies!

I wish you well. 

Amy