Concern for grandchild with no drive to excel in life

Dear Amy:  My grandson was the sweetest boy you’d ever want to know as a child.  He was all boy and a little mischievous at times but had a heart of gold and excelled in his studies.   I raised him after his parents were killed in an auto accident when he was twelve.  He hit some rough spots along the way, developed a little chip on his shoulder, but was overall, a pretty decent kid.  He served for a short stint in the military but when he returned, he was a changed man, drinking heavily and into drugs.

Now 33, he has grown into what I deem a detestable individual, as much as it pains me to admit.  I love him dearly but I hate his lifestyle.

He’s been in jail at least twice, I think he still smokes marijuana and I know he goes to the bars every night.  To this day has not held a steady job.  He has been living with his girlfriend for almost eight years and she is the only constant in his life.  He says he doesn’t love her but yet they keep making babies together!  They now have four children with another on the way.   He claims by staying in the house with the children, it gives them a better life than if he wasn’t there as they can pool their money and get more benefits.  The children’s mother isn’t much better than my grandson, she is a high-school drop out, has been flighty all her adult life, taking off for days on end and never holding anything more than a part time job.  They both get a certain amount of state aid and they brag about how they never have to worry where their next meal comes from because they get so much money in food stamps.

What is this world coming to?  This goes completely against my grain.  I am old school and believe that you work to get things, even food.  I have taught my grandson better than this.  It makes me fighting mad to see people live off the state when they are capable individuals who should be working one, two or three jobs, whatever it takes to make ends meet to support their families.  My late husband did whatever it took to keep us in house and home.

I cannot imagine what life in that household is like when parents do not even love one another.  What kind of example are they setting for those poor children?  It sorrows me greatly to see my grandson and his family live the life they lead and I fear those kids are going to turn out the same way.  When my grandson and family come to visit me each month, it is everything I can do to stay on my side of the line and keep my mouth shut.  I resent them so much, but don’t want to jeopardize the relationship for fear they will quit visiting me, thinking I interfere in their lives.  How can I offer unsolicited advice to adult “children” and keep peace in the family?  I just know I will be met with resistance as they seem content to live the life they lead.  On the other hand, they need a swift kick back into reality before it is too late to get off the welfare roles.  What’s a grandmother to do?

Dear Reader:  From one grandmother to another, your only hope is to love your grandson unconditionally. Put your arms around him and give him a big hug when he arrives and when he leaves. Tell him positive things about himself.  Focus on his good attributes.

His behavior, attitude and lack of drive indicate he is in a lot of emotional pain.  The core emotional wound is illusive for him and for you. Every parent can say that a child never wanted for anything, and was the sweetest boy, etc.  However, some experiences can unknowingly create emotional wounds that are carried into adulthood.  If those emotional experiences are not processed the emotional wounds are the result.

Buy these books: The Power of Positive Thinking (Paperback) by Norman Vincent Peale, and “You Can’t Afford The Luxury of a Negative Thought by Peter McWilliams. Read them and then when you are talking to him use some of the concepts and passages, without lecturing.

Place the books in plain site in your home so that he will see them. He might open the book and read a paragraph. Do not say anything unless, he says something. You can respond. “Oh, what do you think of it?” Or affirm what he has said.

I realize he needs transformational guidance with a professional, but unless, he is hitting bottom and is a danger to himself or others, your only hope is to love him unconditionally. That is not to say you tolerate unacceptable behavior toward you or your grandchildren.  If he is disrespectful to you or your grandchildren you need to set a strong firm boundary.

I wish you well.

Amy