Debunking Myths – If you care, you have to keep trying

Myth: I sometimes meet with people who find themselves stuck in really painful relationships – an adult daughter with a verbally abusive elderly mother, a guy whose childhood pal routinely shows up on his doorstep, looking for a handout, a man whose sister ignores his advice, makes irresponsible relationship decisions and then turns to him for support – and people often torture themselves in these relationships, thinking that they simply must keep trying to make them work because they really care about the other person.

Fact: Provided the relationship is not abusive, you can keep trying if you want to, but you seriously don’t have to.

Sometimes relationships are simply not meant to be. It is not essential to force yourself to have a relationship with someone you care about simply because you care about them if the relationship is too painful or difficult. It’s okay to say, “I love you, but I cannot continue our relationship.” Parents and children are sometimes mismatched with regard to personality. That makes for a difficult relationship during childhood for sure, but it continues to be difficult even into adulthood, and you simply don’t have to continue the relationship, or continue it at the same level it was while the child was young. There is no sense to forcing a relationship that is painful, abusive, or toxic.

Does that mean we must all run out and divorce our toxic family members and friends? Not necessarily. Some may choose to do that, and that may be totally appropriate, but another way of coping with that sort of difficult relationship is to protect yourself from harm by distancing yourself emotionally from the person with whom you have difficulty. You will still be able to attend family functions, visit with your friends, and interact with the individual, but for your own safety, you may keep the relationship on a more superficial level to preserve the relationship in some form rather than lose it altogether.

Certainly, if someone is abusing you in some way, you should seriously consider ending the relationship, but if it’s just difficult, and not abusive, you may decide to just protect yourself instead, and stay in the relationship so you can enjoy the gifts it does offer, if you have the strength to accept their quirks without taking them personally.

Marlo Archer, Ph.D.
Down to Earth Enterprises
1250 E. Baseline Rd., Suite 102
Tempe, AZ 85283
(480) 705-5007