Support for a Widowed Family Member

Dear Amy:  My sister-in-law became a widow almost 5 years ago at the time the children were 7-13 yrs. Since then we have given her $350 a month.  She’s mostly a good mother.  About three years ago her boyfriend moved in with her.  She receives money from Social Security and doesn’t work outside of the home.  Are we encouraging her “unemployed” life style?  We are also happy in knowing our niece and nephews have a little more than the minimum.    We rarely get any calls or any sort glimpse of appreciation from her. How much longer should we keep this monthly checks going to her?   We can still afford the monthly allotments, but somehow I feel used.  Is this an “ego thing” for me?   I’d appreciate your advice.

Dear Reader:  Your generosity to your sister-in-law and your niece and nephews is commendable. You did not state if you had an agreement with your sister-in-law that you would give her the money until the children were old enough to stay home alone after school or another termination date.    Do you have a close relationship with your niece and nephews?  If not, why not?  If so, or if not, it is time to talk to them about how the money has helped them through the years and how the money could help them going forward.  Based on the children’s ages at the time of the loss of their father, the oldest would be eighteen and starting college.  Since you can afford the $350/month, you could allocate some or all of the money toward college expenses. And you can put a limit on how long: For example:  Freshman and Sophomore years or all four if you wish.  Or if you have decided that you have given all the money you want to give, advise your sister-in-law at least two months in advance that you will be discontinuing the payments.  She can then decide if she wants to continue to not work or go to work.   I wish you well.  

Amy