Unequal Curfews for Teenagers in Same Family

Dear Amy: My parents are so strict on me just because I am a girl. I have to come home by 10 oclock even if I’m going to the movies with my friends and we are all in a public space. My twin brother has a later curfew then me just because he’s a boy. I don’t think double rules are very fair to teenagers the same age and I told my parents so. My dad says it is a different world out there for girls and they need more protection. My brother says I should be uglier! I say ha and I don’t see what makes sense about looks having to do with it anyways. I’m not going to be ugly just for my dad so I can go out. I don’t think it is fair to everyone involved. What do you think is fair in a family? Maybe my dad might listen to you if your answer sounded right.

Dear Reader: You do not state your age, however, my guess is you are in your early teens. It really is a drag when parents are concerned about the safety of their children. My parents were just as bad as yours about insisting that I come in by 10 p.m. unless parents were chaperoning when I was in my early teens. It is even worse for you, because they allow your twin brother to stay out later. Double insult to say the least.

You ask, “What is fair in a family?” What is fair is that you are protected from all possible harm as much as possible. Your parents are doing a good job protecting you from harm as much as possible, while allowing you to have a social life. However, I am concerned for your brother. While your parents think it is ‘less dangerous’ for boys, they are mistaken. Boys are as vulnerable as girls at the same age. It can be tragic when parents think boys are less vulnerable to the same harm/danger that girls can encounter. What happens when boys get harmed, they don’t tell anyone, because, they have been told by having a later curfew that they don’t need protection as much as a girl. Therefore, when boys are harmed they suffer in silence. I see many men in my practice who were harmed in their teens. They suffered in silence for many years, because they blamed themselves for not being able to protect themselves.

You are right looks don’t have anything to do with whether you will be a target for someone who would do you harm. People who prey on teenagers have a well-honed mode of operation. They seek out children who appear to be vulnerable, friendly and approachable. More specifically, they believe children who stay out late, hang around in teen popular areas do not have strong family ties, therefore, are easy to manipulate. Thus, although, you have strong family ties by virtue of the fact you have the same behaviors of those kids who don’t have strong family ties you become the object of their attention. I know, I know you say to yourself, “I wouldn’t be so stupid as to go with a stranger.” However, people who prey on teenagers, usually, do not walk up and grab the child, because that is too risky. They hang around you getting to know you, and then by the time you realize you have been manipulated and conned it is too late to back out. You are in the car being driven to a place you thought you were going and it is someplace else. Allow your parents to continue to protect you. You have a long life ahead of you with more than enough time to have fun. Cooperate with your parents to keep safe. I can assure you no one’s life has been ruined by a curfew.

I hope your parents listen to my answer and protect your twin brother the same as you. While he thinks it is cool to have a later curfew he is nonetheless as vulnerable as you. In the meantime, you can be glad your parents protect you from harm as much as possible, while allowing you opportunities to socialize. BTW, I am the mother of an adult son and daughter. They had the same curfew for the same age range. And my son had to accept the fact that his curfew was a half hour earlier than the girl he was dating. He managed to get through it and now as an adult he is happy he had a parent who cared enough to keep him safe.

Amy