Conflicts in Relationship with Mother

Dear Amy - I am a 30 year old woman, married, with one child. My sister and two step brothers are estranged from my mother to varying degrees.  I go back and forth in my mind about whether or not I want to have very much contact with her, either.

On one hand, that ambivalence doesn’t make sense to me because she was a good parent, she’s open minded about religion, accepting of differences and people, she’s kind, etc. And yet, I often feel like I don’t know my own head when I talk with her. We have intensely emotional conflicts that leave both of us spinning, I’m anxious around her, I second guess every gift she gives me (suspecting ulterior motives), I’m insecure, I don’t believe any compliment she gives. She gets her feelings hurt very easily and I resent that. The resentment shows through and her feelings are hurt. I usually leave her house with the vague and extremely uncomfortable feeling that I was somehow manipulated, but I can’t figure it out.

On the other hand, I know that she’s a good person. I’m at a loss. I feel like there’s some fatal flaw in my perception and that perhaps I’m really the cause of all of our conflict. But I don’t have this problem in any of my other relationships. I know my neighbors, my husband and I have what I observe to be an unusually good marriage and I have a large handful of long-standing, close friendships and my father and I get along easily and meaningfully.

Dear Reader - Sometimes it is difficult to see the trees for the forest. You are too close to the situation to recognize her manipulation. Some people have perfected their ability to be highly deceptive and therefore manipulative. It seems that your siblings have recognized her deceptiveness and manipulation and they have opted out. That is their right to do what is best for them. You have that right too. Your statement, “But I don’t have this problem in any of my other relationships,” is a clue that it is definitely not your faulty perception in this matter. Another clue that it isn’t your faulty perception is that your siblings have opted out of a relationship because they are unwilling to go through the trauma/drama of being with her. You are NOT at fault. It takes two people to create a good relationship.

I recommend reading the book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How To Recognize It and How to Respond by Patricia Evans. Although, the book is written for women in abusive marriages, it applies to all relationships. When the book refers to husband, replace the name with mother. When the book refers to wife, replace it with daughter.   However, in no way, am I suggesting that you are obligated to ‘fix’ the relationship with your mother.  I am suggesting that you will gain insight into how she is verbally abusing you.  This is in itself therapeutic.  I wish you well.  If I can be of further assistance, contact me again.