Nobody Thinks About the “Or Worse”

Little girls fantasize about their Wedding Day for years.  They dream about the beautiful white dress, having their hair, make-up, and nails done like a movie star.  They think about the music and the dancing and how all their friends will be there.  There’s the food and the cake and the gifts and the throwing of the bouquet… and the prostate cancer.

What?  Prostate cancer?  Who the heck thinks about that when they think about their wedding day?  Almost no one.  And yet, any man who lives long enough without dying from some other cause, will most certainly die of prostate cancer.  Dr. Marlo, you’re being morbid!  Why on earth would you want to make us think of such a grotesque topic when we started out talking about the glory of the Wedding Day?

The reason I bring this up is that we almost always think of all the great benefits of marriage as we approach our Wedding Day.  We think of having a life-long companion, having children that are pure bundles of joy, we think of having someone to grow old with, someone to share our accomplishments, someone to support us in all ways, someone who’s always ‘on our side,’ a partner, a soulmate, a lover, a spouse.  We’re all programmed to think of all the lovely things that marriage offers, and, don’t get me wrong, it does offer all those things, but not for free.

There is a cost to receiving all those fine benefits and the cost is your independence, your selfishness, your concept of equality, and your daily effort.  In order to reap all those wonderful benefits, you have to be willing to work very hard, every day, to build and maintain the relationship so that it’s there for you when you grow old.  You have to support your partner as much, if not more, than they support you.  You must be willing to compromise on tough issues to reach solutions that are at least moderately satisfying to both of you, not fight until one or the other gives up and gives in.

Another important point is that it is not written anywhere that marriage is fair.  You both make promises to each other and from that point on, all you need to worry about is whether or not you’re keeping up your end of the bargain.  If your partner is not doing as much as you, or as well as you are, that’s not your concern.  You need only be worried about whether or not you’re doing your job.  It’s their problem to determine if they’re doing their best to keep the promise they made to you.

Finally, just when you think you’ve got it all figured out, life will throw you a curveball.  Maybe your spouse gets into a car accident and is paralyzed for the rest of his or her life.  Maybe your spouse begins to suffer from an illness that prevents them from holding a job any longer.  Your partner might grow very fat or begin drinking heavily or have their brother’s family move in with you when your sister-in-law goes to jail.  That’s the “Or Worse” you promised to be there for.  I’m certainly not recommending that anyone become overweight, guzzle beer, or house felons, I’m just saying it could happen to you and if it does, it becomes your problem to deal with.  You will need to work out some sort of solution that satisfies both you and your partner.  Divorcing and walking away is not what you agreed to do.

But, Dr. Marlo, should I stay married to a man who is abusive or a woman who is running around all over town with every man she meets?  No, of course not, there are places to draw the line, but many times, when we look at situations that have gotten that bad, we can see that the partners weren’t doing the hard work of marriage before things got that out of hand.  If you ignore problems as they develop, they only get more and more unmanageable.  Part of the commitment you made when you got married was to do the hard work of staying together, and that does include sticking it out through the parts we’d call the “Or Worse.”

Marlo Archer, Ph.D.
Down to Earth Enterprises
1250 E. Baseline Rd., Suite 102
Tempe, AZ 85283
(480) 705-5007