When ‘Holidays’ Aren’t Happy

The holidays are touted to be a time of joyfulness and most of all fun—for some the holidays are not joyful or fun. Because family gatherings are customary for holidays any ‘unhappiness’ goes unnoticed and the victim of this cruel holiday experience takes its toll on the recipient.

I speak of the unspeakable—sexual child abuse.

Countless children are abused at family gatherings. While everyone is having a good time, beloved Uncle Lewey or Grandpa, walks out of the living room—no one would question his motive as he walks into his niece or granddaughter’s bedroom, where she is ‘hanging out.’  He nonchalantly chats with her and before she realizes what he is about to do, he has kissed her and forced his tongue into her mouth and/or fondles her breast.  He then threatens her that if she tells she will regret it. Thus, she is forced into silence and shame. While I realize this is a difficult scenario to fathom, it is all too real and all too frequent.  However, this scenario doesn’t need to end tragically, something can be done to prevent or mitigate it. No one is born a molester, yet all too often victims become perpetrators. Sexual child abuse has become a family tradition—Uncle Lewey was abused by his father, mother, uncle, cousin or aunt and now he has abused his niece. Or grandpa was abused by someone and he now has abused his granddaughter.

How can this be possible when so many people are around—no one would risk being seen sexually abusing a child? Unfortunately, this rationalization merely avoids accepting the truth about sexual abuse perpetrators.

With the utmost sensitivity to family ties and feelings, I will address this unthinkable societal scourge.

Parents generally teach girls to be passive, compliant, non-assertive, cooperative and reward them for doing so. Girls are raised to be ‘quiet, sweet and pretty’ they are never to make a ’scene.’ It is not surprising then, that girls are (according to statistics) twice as likely to be sexually abused. Statistics reveal 62% of girls are sexually abused by age eighteen and 31% of boys are abused by age eighteen. These statistics are considered low, given the fact 47% of survivors have psychogenic amnesia or in the case of boys it is considered an early introduction to sex.  Perpetrators know who and how to target their victims. Boys are taught, expected and praised to be tough and self-assured, even at times when something troubles them. Whenever a person is traumatized, he or she resorts to familiar behavior; for girls this behavior usually means passivity while boys usually ‘tough it out’—thinking if they are strong and unemotional, no harm can occur.

Self-protection offers a direct and effective way to empower children to help themselves. Since perpetrators cunningly and with forethought set the stage to perpetrate this crime in secrecy, who is better able than the child to protect him or herself? Perpetrators say they can sense a child to victimize; they sense this by the child’s demeanor, body language and facial expressions. They sense the fear, the helplessness, their compliant attitude and their passivity. Perpetrators choose victims who they assume will keep their secret. No child needs to fall prey to these cunning predators.

The majority of people, upon hearing of sexual abuse/incest, react with denial. ‘I do not have to be concerned about that in my community. This would never happen in my family.’ The reality is a person who sexually abuses children may seem very average and ordinary to the world. He/she may be a leader in the church, in the community or in business. He/she does not fit a classic stereotype and is not necessarily uneducated, unemployed, impoverished or an alcoholic. Furthermore, we find sexual abuse/incest even more difficult to believe or accept when the person we like, admire, love, and/or marry is the perpetrator. Tragically, the unwillingness to accept the facts concerning sexual abuse perpetrators leaves children vulnerable to becoming victims and increases the likelihood that they will be abused.

‘Traditionally, incest was defined as: sexual intercourse between two persons too closely related to marry legally–sex between siblings, first cousins, the seduction by fathers of their daughters. This dysfunctional blood relationship, however, does not completely describe what children are experiencing. To fully understand all sexual abuse, we need to look beyond the blood bond and include the emotional bond between the victim and his or her perpetrator. Thus, a new definition has emerged. The new definition now relies less on the blood bond between the victim and the perpetrator and more on the experience of the child. Incest is both sexual abuse and an abuse of power. It is violence that does not require force. Another is using the victim, treating them in a way that they do not want or in a way that is not appropriate by a person with whom a different relationship is required. It is abuse because it does not take into consideration the needs or wishes of the child; rather, it meets the needs of the other person at the child’s expense. If the experience has sexual meaning for another person, in lieu of a nurturing purpose for the benefit of the child, it is abuse. If it is unwanted or inappropriate for her age or the relationship, it is abuse. Incest [sexual abuse] can occur through words, sounds, or even exposure of the child to sights or acts that are sexual but do not involve her. If she is forced to see what she does not want to see, for instance, by an exhibitionist, it is abuse. If a child is forced into an experience that is sexual in content or overtone that is abuse. As long as the child is induced into sexual activity with someone who is in a position of greater power, whether that power is derived through the perpetrator’s age, size, status, or relationship, the act is abusive. A child who cannot refuse, or who believes she or he cannot refuse, is a child who has been violated.. (E. Sue Blume, Secret Survivors).”

What to do:  Learn and practice the eight strategies of sexual child abuse prevention presented in, “If I’d Only Known…Sexual Abuse in or out of the Family: A Guide to Prevention available at www.gen-assist.com.

Dorothy M. Neddermeyer specializes in verbal, physical and sexual abuse prevention and recovery.