Time to Learn

Imagine that your boss puts you in charge of an important project.  He wants you to plan the company’s exhibit at an upcoming trade show.  You get excited and nervous about your new responsibility and begin working.  You’ve never done a trade show before; you’re not sure how it’s supposed to work.  So, you start calling people who have done trade shows before and you ask them what they think you should do.  Your boss comes by and says, “Good Job, Johnson!  Keep up the great work!”  You feel great!

The next day, you continue your work by calling manufacturers of trade show equipment to get an idea of what kinds of things you can buy to make your exhibit and how much they might cost.  This time when your boss comes by, he shakes his head and gives you a condescending look and says, “Don’t you know what you’re doing?  You don’t have to call all those people; we’ve got a whole set-up in the back room you can use.  You’re so stupid, Johnson!”  Whoa, you don’t feel so good anymore.

The next day, you take the equipment out of the back room and you get excited again, now starting to plan what types of displays you’ll put on the exhibit.  Your boss walks by again and totally ignores what you’re doing.  Hmm, not sure what to make of that.  Later, as you’re starting to put pieces up on the exhibit, your boss chastises you again and says, “Johnson, you can’t use that old, ratty thing, that looks terrible!  You’re going to have to buy something new for this show!”  All right, this is getting frustrating at this point.

You’re irritated, but you still want to do a good job, so you set about the business of ordering a new exhibit.  When your boss sees the purchase order, he rips it up and says, “Johnson, you cannot spend this kind of money, you’re just going to have to use what we have and quit asking for this kind of big budget!”  Okay, it’s at this point that you just give up.  Perhaps you tell your boss where to stick his exhibit or perhaps you attempt to show him yourself.  In any event you are finished working on this project and perhaps finished at this company altogether.  We just refuse to work under conditions like that.

However, many of us subject our children to those very conditions.  We assign them tasks they have no idea how to do and not only do we neglect to teach them how to do them, we criticize half of what they do and un-do the other half, leaving them frustrated and the task incomplete.  No one expects adults to work like that, why do we expect kids to?  Because we become too self-focused.

We know how to do the project and we’ve done it a thousand times and the child has certainly lived in the house each of those thousand times, he has to know how to do it himself by now.  No he doesn’t.  One can learn a lot through observational learning, but only if motivated to do so.  Chances are, that kid hasn’t even been paying a lot of attention to you doing that task because you have been doing that task and they haven’t had to think much about it at all.  When you want a child to take on a new job, a new chore, or a new project, you must first teach them how to do it or you will set everyone up to be disappointed and angry.

Teaching a child does not just consist of telling him.  It consists of first showing him.  Repeatedly.  Then showing him while you’re telling him.  Repeatedly.  Then you must let him do parts of it while you do other parts of it, giving him feedback throughout the performance of the task.  Repeatedly.  Then you let him try it under your supervision.  A lot.  Then you try leaving him alone for brief periods while he works.  Many times.  Finally, you can let him do it all by himself, but then you still need to follow that with you checking the job to make sure it is complete.  Eventually he’ll be able to do whatever it is, completely without supervision, but depending on the complexity of the job, you might need anywhere from 20-200 of these teaching experiences before he can do it completely on his own.  But it’s worth it.

If you take the time to do all that teaching, he’ll learn, and when he can do it, he’ll do it, and he’ll feel good about doing it and you’ll feel good that it’s getting done.  Take the time to teach a child how to do what you need them to do.  It’s only fair.  You would expect the same respect from your employer, don’t give your child any less than what you’d expect your employer to give you!

Marlo J. Archer, Ph.D
Licensed Psychologist
1250 E. Baseline Rd.
Suite 102
Tempe, AZ 85283
480-705-5007
www.DrMarlo.com